New Conan the Barbarian a weak imitation

Call me old school, but I miss Arnie. Oh, Jason Momoa certainly has the pre-requisites to play Conan The Barbarian – steely glare, long flowing locks, a definite vengeance seeker, not overly big on thespian skills and the dude looks like a walking commercial for 24 Hour Fitness.

Jason Momoa's take on the title role in Conan the Barbarian is no match for Arnie.

Jason Momoa's take on the title role in Conan the Barbarian is no match for Arnie.

Call me old school, but I miss Arnie.

Oh, Jason Momoa certainly has the pre-requisites to play Conan The Barbarian – steely glare, long flowing locks, a definite vengeance seeker, not overly big on thespian skills and the dude looks like a walking commercial for 24 Hour Fitness. Fits the bill, I’d say. Yet, there’s just something about that barely decipherable Austrian babble (remember, Schwarzenegger wasn’t on Hollywood soil for all that long when he took on the role in 1982) to go with the ridiculously bulging biceps that gave the character an odd likeability. In the new Conan, Momoa sacrifices charm for killing other dudes in all kinds of horrific ways.

But then, I guess that’s the name of the game in Conan The Barbarian, and man, a bloody game it is. The movie begins — where else? — on a battlefield, where Conan is born — and the blessed event is a bit of a mucky one. Raised by his father (Ron Perlman) to kill or be killed, Conan kills. He kills a lot. He kills often. Especially when Dad gets killed by an evil dude named Zym (Stephen Lang). Conan really, really wants to kill that guy, boy.

From there, there’s a search for some broken mask or something, plus your trademark beauty (Rachel Nichols), a slinky sorceress (Rose McGowan), a lot of killing, etc., etc.

Honestly, I’m surprised a Conan re-boot took this long. I would’ve thought after the success of 300 a few years back — a film that really, really embraced swords and shirtless dudes and hot babes and blood and stuff — that everyone’s favourite barbarian would’ve been back faster than you could say aaaaarghh. Alas, it took the big guy a spell. And, sorry Conan fans, but the wait wasn’t exactly worth it.

Conan The Barbarian isn’t horrid, but it pales to comparison to the Schwarzenegger movie that inspired it. Director Marcus Nispel (who helmed remakes of Friday The 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) is missing a good dose of camp and humour that makes such fare easier to swallow. Oh, and Morgan Freeman as a narrator … Morgan Freeman! That had to be one big killer of a paycheque.

Out of a possible five stars, I’ll give Conan The Barbarian a two. The feature is currently playing at the Pen-Mar Cinema Centre in Penticton.

Jason Armstrong is a movie reviewer living in the Okanagan.

 

Just Posted

57-year-old Kathleen Richardson was discovered deceased in her home Wednesday, June 9, 2021. Her death is considered a homicide and connected to the slain brothers found on a Naramata forest road. (Submitted)
Naramata community in shock as condolences pour in for homicide victim Kathy Richardson

Richardson was well liked in the community, a volunteer firefighter with a home-based salon

Princeton GSAR responds 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. In 2020 the crew was called out 34 times, and members spent 721 hours on calls, and 683 hours training. Photo Princeton GSAR Facebook
Teen missing in Manning Park found after 24 hours

Young man spends night on mountain and survives with just a few scrapes

The RCMP are asking for assistance regarding the death of Kathleen Richardson of Naramata, pictured here. Her death is believed to be related to two homicides in Naramata in May. (RCMP)
Suspected Naramata homicide victim identified by police

57-year-old Kathleen Richardson was discovered deceased in her home Wednesday

(File photo)
Reports of aggressive deer in Penticton prompt warning from city

Expect female deer to be more aggressive over the next two months

(File photo)
Mobile drop-in vaccination clinic coming to Oliver

All those in the Oliver area who have not yet received their first dose are eligible for the vaccine

Dr. Albert de Villiers, chief medical health officer for the Interior Health Authority. (Contributed)
Black Press Media Weekly Roundup: Top headlines this week

Here’s a summary of this week’s biggest stories from the Okanagan-Shuswap

Unofficial holidays: Here’s what people are celebrating for the week of June 13 to 19

Flag Day, Garbage Man Day, International Panic Day all coming up this week

British Columbia-Yukon Community News Association’s 2021 Ma Murray Awards were handed out during a virtual ceremony on Friday, June 10. (Screen grab)
Black Press Media winners take gold at B.C. and Yukon journalism awards

Publications received nods in dozens of categories

Fair-goers take a ride at the 120th annual Armstrong Interior Provincial Exhibition and Stampede Aug. 28-Sept. 1, 2019. (Katherine Peters - Morning Star)
Armstrong’s IPE not eligible for COVID-19 grant designed for major attractions

Shuswap MLA Greg Kyllo criticized the rigidity of the provincial program’s criteria

Two e-scooters parked on the sidewalk along Water Street in downtown Kelowna on Monday, May 3. Scooters parked on walkways are causing accessibility issues for some people with disabilities. (Michael Rodriguez/Capital News)
Kelowna General Hospital clinicians observe increase in e-scooter injuries

A report is set to go to city council next week on how the e-scooter pilot has gone thus far

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau greets campers while visiting McDougall, Ont. on Thursday, July 19, 2018. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Frank Gunn
71% of B.C. men say they’d prefer to go camping with Trudeau: survey

Most British Columbians with plans to go camping outdoors say they’d prefer to go with Trudeau or Shania Twain

Members of the Department of Fisheries and Oceans’ Marine Mammal Response Program rescued an adult humpback what that was entangled in commercial fishing gear in the waters off of Entrance Island on Thursday, June 10. (Photo courtesy Marine Mammal Response Program)
Rescuers free humpback ‘anchored’ down by prawn traps off Vancouver Island

Department of Fisheries and Oceans responders spend hours untangling whale

Chilliwack cocaine trafficker Clayton Eheler seen with a tiger somewhere in Asia in 2014. Eheler was sentenced to nine years jail in 2018, but was released on bail in October 2020 pending his appeal of conviction.(Facebook)
Director of civil forfeiture seeks $140,000 from Fraser Valley drug dealer’s father-in-law

Clayton Eheler’s father-in-law Ray Morrissey caught with money in Fort St. John by B.C.’s gang unit

A Comox Valley shellfish operator pleaded guilty and was fined $10,000 in provincial court in Courtenay earlier this year. Record file photo
B.C. clam harvester fined $10,000 for Fisheries Act violations

Charges against three others were stayed in Courtenay Provincial Court

Most Read