Dear Marie & Gerry: I have been single all my life, and have had good friends, but over the last 10 years or so I have lost many through illnesses. Although I am in my early 80’s I am still fairly active, and have good health. I was encouraged to go on a group cruise and because of what happened I wanted to share my experience for others.
The group is men and women, all retired, and we were paired off two women sharing one state room and the same for the men.
My companion, a little younger than me, was very helpful and pleasant. We gathered for meals and events and for two days all was well, then my companion’s behaviour in the bar was embarrassing. She got drunk and was carrying on with a man from the group, he was very uncomfortable and several of us discussed who should approach her.
So I offered, and later, I mentioned the concerns of the other members to her. She was OK at first and then accused me of being jealous, she was very disagreeable, and so I stopped the discussion.
The next day, we gathered for coffee as usual, when the Purser asked me to the desk with a complaint from my room companion. Apparently she claimed I had stolen some money and a watch and was distressed as she did not want to accuse me.
Long story short, the security found her watch and the wad of money in my suitcase. I, of course, denied the accusation, regardless of what they found, but although I suggested it might be revenge for what happened the day before, she kept saying that maybe I was old and losing my mind and just made a mistake and she was willing to forget the whole incident.
The watch and money was returned to her. I could not change rooms; I left my luggage with another member. I was so distressed, the last few days I just stayed in the restaurants until time to go to bed. Of course this is probably an exception to travelling, but I would suggest that you only share a room with someone you know well and trust completely.
Marie answers: What a sad experience, but valuable lesson in living life these days. Unfortunately, we have to foresee as many problems as possible; there are those who, for whatever reasons, are geared to gratifying their own desires without the self-control and consciousness needed to be a committed socially responsible adult.
I hope you are not deterred from arranging another trip, you have the right to fully enjoy your life. I trust you will have many good holiday experiences in the future.
Gerry says: Don’t let that experience stop you from travelling. Don’t waste your time feeling guilty. There are many things that go wrong when we go on holidays. It is a little risky especially when we are stuck on board, no way of getting off, but maybe explore a few local destinations, before a bigger trip, where you have more options to return home, if needed. Just saying.
Dear Gerry & Marie: I am just sick to death of my daughter-in-law. We used to get along OK until she had my baby grandson. Now she is just rude and inconsiderate.
We live closest to her, but she goes out of her way to visit her mom and will hardly let me babysit.
When I do babysit, I have a list of what I can do and what not to do. I raised six children and they have all turned out well, she is a part-time working mom and choses to have a paid babysitter instead of letting me babysit. My son always defers to her, so I don’t know what to do next.
Marie answers: I completely understand. It’s just a wonderful experience to have your firstborn grandson but, of course, along with all the pleasure there can be struggles adjusting to family dynamics. When two sets of grandparents are both fully invested, it can be a lot to handle for a new mother.
I would suggest that you take a brief leave of absence. I know that might be hard, but it will balance out the stress being caused, and you may be able to see the bigger picture. Wait until you are invited back into the situation, no matter what her mother will usually have first input and it brings the “blood is thicker than water” statement closer to home.
Let her know you are available when needed and then disengage. Before this baby came along you had a very busy life, so even though you have retired I would suggest you take up some other interests to fill your time and help you to get a better perspective on the situation. Try not to engage your son in this, because he is supporting her choices, which is the right thing for him to do. Enjoy the baby when you can and wait patiently for more involvement.
Gerry says: This kind of family problem has been going on for years and the outcome gets really messy when your perceived demands are not met. Try to remember he is your grandson, not your son. Be respectful of the mother, even if you don’t agree, and take the high road. Don’t lean on your son to support your needs because his first duty is to his wife, even if it’s tough for you, or you might lose any contact you have right now. Just saying.
Marie Prior (r.p.c., m.p.c.p.) is a retired professional counsellor. Gerry and Marie live in Penticton and have over 35 years experience in counselling. They can be reached at 250-809-9762 or send questions to gemcarecounselling@gmail.com. This column is meant for general advice only.